When our children share their problems with us, we need to empower them, instead of putting them down. However, sometimes we do not seem to know how to respond relevantly and appropriately when our childrens bring up their concerns to us. As a result, our children may feel discourage and soon stop sharing their hopes and fears with us.

We have to appreciate that it is very often painful for our children to bring up things that trouble them. When they do not get the support and encouragement, instead they get instructions and "how to" that do not make much sense to them, they may feel that it is not worth their trouble to open up their hearts to their parents. Also, sometimes, the responses are so disempowering to the children that they are actually not only not helpful, they can be very damaging to our children's development.

We, as parents, have to understand the reasons why giving out advices without careful understanding is downright bad and irresponsible. We will have to learn to respond to our children's problems in such a way that we empower them to solve their own problems.

We shall now discuss the reasons why giving advices to our children the usual way is not helpful to our children.

We often assume that we know what the problems are and forget to first listen carefully in order to better understand the intricacies of the problems. As a result, due to lack of in-depth understanding of the real issues, the advice that we so readily provide will not be relevant and will not solve the problems.

Without sufficient probing, we may not understand our children’s points of view or perspectives on what trouble them. As a result we do not provide the solutions that our children need. A simple example is that when our children share conflict that they are having with their friends, we may start advising them on how to stay away from those friends while they actually may be feeling guilty for not treating their friends correctly and want to gain the courage to apologize to their friend. As a result we may be doing further damage to relationships that they are trying so hard to salvage.

In our eagerness and haste to provide the counsel, we forget to extend empathy to our children for the problems they are facing. Our children may not feel connected to us, and they may feel that whatever suggestions we provide have no bearings on their problems and are unlikely to be accepted.

As we are the one throwing out the advice, if the advice turns out to be good, the credit goes to us and not to our children. On the other hand, if the advice is taken and implemented but does not turn out to be successful, it is taken to be our children’s fault as the advice is likely to have been one that was successful when followed by another person. In this case, it is a "lose-lose" situation for our children because if the advice is successful, we claim the credit and if it is a failure, it is a reflection of our children’s inability.

We take on the position of experts who have the knowledge and wisdom and we talk down when we give advice, instead of speaking as equals. We treat our children as if they have neither the knowledge nor the skills to handle the problems. It is a one-way traffic and likely to be resented by our children because they feel that we treat them as if they have nothing good to share with us.

We give the message that we think our children cannot develop the solutions themselves. This is disempowering for our children and will do great harm to our children’s development.

We do not show appreciation for the efforts our children have taken in solving their own problems. This will discourage them to take great efforts in formulating their own solutions and taking the necessary steps to solve the problems when they face other problems in the future.

Sometimes, our children just want to share their problems with us and do not want or need any advice from us at all. Whatever advice we provide may not only be futile, but damaging to our children’s self esteem and can lead to their frustrations.

We shall now discuss how to respond to our children when they bring their problems to us.

As parents, we may want to first learn to understand their problems that our children share, and then help our children gain a better understanding of their own problems so that they can develop their own solutions. We can encourage our children to identify the things that really bother them so that they have a clearer picture of the specific issues that trouble them and encourage them to develop their own solutions.

Next, we may want to learn to show empathy for the issues that trouble them to make them feel connected to us. In this way, they will be more ready to express their real thoughts and feelings and be receptive of whatever wisdom you may have to offer. It is important to our children that they feel we are there with them - not just physically, but emotionally as well. We want them to feel that we understand how they feel. It is definitely not wise to belittle their feelings.

Whenever possible, we want to make situations "win-win" for them. For example, we encourage them to develop their own solutions and take the credit when they succeed. And, when they fail, they take the credit for the efforts taken when they fail. If they are the ones who come up with the solutions they should be the ones who claim the credits when they succeed. On the other hand, if they fail, provide the encouragement that they have taken the efforts which are by themselves very admirable. When they fail, encourage them to re-examine the situations to find out the reasons that cause failure and try again.

In summary, we want to take the efforts to help our children feel that it is always good for them to bring their problems to us.

Resources:
jacobgan.com
succezz.com
demystifycancer.com

About the Article Author

Jacob Gan PhD (Michigan) has more than 20 years of teaching experience in a university and 8 years of business/industrial experience after graduation. He writes for succezz.com, JacobGan.com, JacobEducation.com, DemystifyCancer.com, understanding-orchids.com, motivate2success.com and JacobLearning.com. He hosts Jacob.TheeLearningcentre.com, an elearning portal.