Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.

Those years must have been the most strenuous, right? They were 100% dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be simpler now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your supervision in every situation. They can do some of the chores in the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want to go out for a late movie. You talk with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

So what goes wrong when they hit that 13th Birthday??? In many cultures they would now be considered adults - old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur?

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The brain is intricate. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot - it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.

And then it all falls apart. Quite literally, during the teen years the brain completely re-wires itself. And while it does so, it actually LOSES some of its previous abilities and skills. This is most noticeable in the area of social communication. The teen years are, pre-eminently, a time of learning how to be a social being - how to form and maintain social attachments - to society, to friends and, of course, ultimately to a sexual mate.

Understanding the intricacies of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its modes of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This conflict can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes confusing.

This conflict is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and lose out on much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one irritable teenager.

But there is more, and this is the second factor: The teen years are also a time of shifting expectations. The language of expectations is contained in words such as "should", "ought", "at this age", "normal". And the teen years seem to be especially filled with such words - what should a 13, 14, 16 year old be allowed/expected to do? What expectations of "normal" behavior do the parents, the teenager, the friends, the teachers, the neighbors, the police, the society have? Are they not often very confused and mixed?

This leads into the difficulty with imposing expectations. If you have one, then there is the possibility that your expectation will not be met. A behavior that is considered a "no-no" is turned into a big problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.

How do you cope with a teenager that is up and down in their emotions and actions? You can use some of these tips. When you have a fight with your teenager or you are just sick of what they are doing, take heed of the following:

1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.

2) Your teen, like you, is simply trying to achieve the very best outcome that he or she can, given her current abilities and perspectives (which are probably different to yours),

3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.

4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?

5) Try to think of different ways of working with your teenager besides forcing them to take your point of view.

6) The teen years will pass - they will grow up. When they do, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, and what memories?

With that being said, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, don't get so uptight. Don't be so strict that your teenager wants to avoid you. Determine how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with smiles on your faces and love in your hearts

Dr. Noel Swanson hosts a fascinating website on parenting, with lots of some advice for dealing with your teenager's behavior you should pay it a visit.